Agony Aunt Abarai
by Sakanoue
Summary: Renji is looking for a different kind of Valentines Day to the rest of soul society. Is he the ONLY one in a comfortable relationship!


Quiet Valentines Day afternoon- the whole of Seireitei silenced.

And just like any other -albeit secretive- couple, Renji and Byakuya wanted the crisp winter morning all to themselves. Renji's apartment was so nicely secluded, warmer and safer to Byakuya than his own home. So they reclined on the sofa, Renji's head on Byakuya's shoulder, legs nicely entwined.

"Got ya a present…" whispered the redhead.

"You did?" Byakuya looked at Renji out of one eye.

"Ain't much.." said Renji sheepishly, inching out of his lovers' arms to pull something out from underneath the sofa.

A shiny red box appeared on Byakuya's lap, wide and flat. He edged the lid off and pushed back a thin sheet of orange tissue paper to see a neatly folded pile of gorgeously red silk. "Renji, it's.."

"A scarf, for out next Living World mission." Renji winked. Byakuya leant gently towards him and brushed his lips against Renji's invitingly.

There was a quiet yet rapid knock at the door and Kira's insistent voice whispered "R-renji? Are you there? I'm sorry….to disturb you….may I come in?"

The pair inside sat bolt upright. "Shit...Taicho….quick, hide!" he whispered. Byakuya looked around in a bemused fashion as if to say "Where?". Renji sighed and replied to Kira that he would be there in a second before mouthing "The wardrobe?" as he stood to go to the door. Byakuya raised his eyebrow then realised Renji was, in fact, being serious. Indeed, sometimes it was difficult to tell. Sighing irritatedley, he swept off to the wardrobe and obediently made himself invisible.

Swinging the door casually open, Renji jumped when a sobbing Kira complete with used tissue and puffy eyes fell into his arms and started babbling on thing or another about rejection and heart break and infinities of loneliness. "Whoa, Kira...just...come in and sit down, K?" Renji smiled, rubbing his friend's back gently. Kira broke away, blowing his nose and nodded solemnly before immediately bursting into tears again and hyperventilating.

"Bloody hell, man, what's wrong?" Renji asked, patting the sofa and rubbing Kira's shoulders as he sat down. "Hisagi hates me." he wept.

"Oh..Kira…"

"I can see it in his eyes, " the blonde groaned.

"Look I'm sure…" Renji glanced towards Byakuya's general position.

"We'll ever go out...he doesn't…..Oh….Rennnnjiiii…"

With a sympathetic hug, Renji pulled himself back to the present. "Kira, look. You have to go get him if you want him. There's no harm in asking. He says yes then it's all good, he says no then you're in the same position as ya were before. Right? It's fifty-fifty."

"I don't know.." Kira sniffed, then blew his nose again.

"Go on." Renji grinned, squeezing his arm.

"Really?" the young man asked shyly.

"Yeah! Yeah…" Renji smiled.

"Um..OK…." the younger Fukutaicho smiled for the first time and wiped his eyes. "Thank you Renji." Kira said, getting up and fiddling with his Taicho.

"Whatcha hanging around here for then? Go get 'im!" Renji winked.

With a relieved sigh, Renji shut the door on his old best friend. For once, on this day he was glad to be rid of him as he called "He's gone!" to Byakuya and opened the cupboard to help the disgruntled and embarrassed noble out. Putting one hand on the redhead's shoulder, Byakuya stepped out delicately only to be hauled into Renji's arms and kissed ravenously. "I've got something for you too," Byakuya whispered, pinning his subordinate to the wall and sliding his hand into the other mans' sash. Renji's mind melted….

"Yo! Fucker!" came Ikkaku's brash voice as he thumped on the other side of Renji's door.

"Fucking 11th squad," Renji muttered, bringing his head sharply into contact with the wall. Byakuya sighed, gave one disapproving glance at his lover and got back into his cupboard.

"Language, Renji," he whispered as he closed the door behind himself.

Renji death glared the door as he approached it. This could ruin his entire day. "What?" he said, slamming the door open. Ikkaku lazily lent against the frame, eyes out of focus, obviously completely smashed. "Wanna come out fo' a drink at the sake bar??" he slurred.

"No."

"Oh..com' on. Juz cuz yo' single an' lonely. We can pull some shit hot girrrrlllls." Ikkaku made crude pelvic movements.

"Fuck off I'm gay." Renji said, slamming the door again but this time in his face. Well, he wouldn't remember in the morning anyway.

"Yeah, whatever. M' goin'." Ikkaku shouted through the door and Renji heard him shuffle off down the hallway.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Renji hung his head as Byakuya deflated onto the couch. The elder man looked at him neutrally.

"It's fine, Renji, I know that you have a very..active..social life."

"Nar..Bya, I wanted it to be just us today." he fell to his knees in front of the Captain and rested his head in his lap. An absent hand stroked his hair. "I have a present for you," Byakuya whispered with a embarrassed look. He cleared his throat and took a wrapped rectangular box from his robes somewhere.

"Aww...Taicho, thanks." Renji took it and studied the wrapping carefully.

He opened it as carefully and slowly as his excitement would allow and prized the little bottle of cologne out of the packaging.

"Sakura?" he read, "Feelin' possessive, Taicho?"

"Perhaps a little," Byakuya smirked as he brushed a stray hair from Renji's eyes.

'Yo...er...Renji? It's Hisagi? Y'there? Good time?" Came an uncertain voice with a hesitant knock.

"I should.." Byakuya looked away, eyeing the wardrobe with severe distaste. "Well..actually…" Renji was about to tell his lover that Hisagi knew about them but the doors of the wardrobe had already clicked shut. It had taken Zabimaru at his neck to keep him quiet, but so far Hisagi had dutifully kept his mouth shut. " Yeah, come in." Renji called, stretching and slumping onto the sofa again, ready for whatever came.

Hisagi looked amazingly crestfallen and troubled. "Wassup?" the redhead grinned.

"Gay troubles."

"Yeah?"

"Kira."

"Ahhh."

"I wanna..you know..but I can't...You know?"

"I...guess so yeah.."

"Yeah."

The two men sighed and relaxed in silence the Hisagi spied the cologne. "Sakura?" he laughed "Lover boy, eh?"

"Yeah, well.." Renji blushed. "He's….er…"

"Not here now is he?"

There was a clatter as the wardrobe doors burst open and Hisagi jumped seeing Byakuya swoop out. "As a matter of fact, I am." he snapped. The ninth squadder looked severely reprimanded and blushed, looking at Renji for help. "He knows, Taicho..but he won't."

" I won't tell." Hisagi repeated with as much certainty as he could find.

" Good. Now, if you don't mind. Kira wants you desperately so go and fuck him and leave us be!"

"Aww...Taicho...I promised Kira I wouldn't say anything jus' yesterday!" the redhead moaned. "Well, you didn't say anything. I did."

"He does?" the excited Hisagi jumped up and pumped his fist in the air with a predatory growl. "Thanks, Kuchiki Taicho!" He bowed and saluted to Renji as he ran out of the room.

"God...this is all...very fucked up ne?" Renji sighed, reaching out a hand to his partner and dragging him down onto the sofa. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising." Byakuya pushed Renji down onto his back and straddled him, laying kisses up his neck. "Ne...that's good…" Renji sighed, pulling Byakuya's hips down onto his.

Crash, bang, smash. "Fucking Rukia, Renji. Girl's! Who'd haa-" Ichigo stopped in his tracks as the two men scrambled to sit up and failed to extricate themselves from one another. "Quite." Byakuya smirked.

"FUCK YOU ICHIGO! EVERY OTHER PERSON IN FUCKING SOUL SOCIETY KNOWS HOW TO FUCKING KNOCK! BUT NO!!!!!" Renji yelled at him.

Ichigo merely shrugged and went to help himself to Renji's fridge. "ARGH!" Renji collapsed back onto the sofa. "I'll go…" Byakuya sighed. Off to the cupboard, he thought to himself.

"Jesus, man," Ichigo chuckled, sitting down and opening a beer.

"Why's he hiding in your cupboard?"

"Fuck you." Renji snapped. Then gave in. "So what's wrong with you then?"

Byakuya gave up and sat down in the wardrobe. "Fucking Renji." he muttered. Then he realised what he'd said and simply sighed long and hard. That was that, then. He was officially, well, fucked.

**Notes**: Well...sorry again about the swearing. Happy Belated V's Day, everyone!


End file.
